Ten lbs gone in two weeks. I wish I could keep up that progress but my head tells me I can’t. It’s not reasonable to expect that. 8.5 was in the first week leaving a pound and a half this week.
Not only was the first week the typical water weight loss–but this was further exaggerated by my hormone cycle and getting off diet soda.
Yesterday was difficult. We are going through a tough financial period which is causing a lot of stress and depression. Plus, today marks my second fathers day since my dad passed and my husband’s second since losing his dad.
I didn’t get any exercise/activity in yesterday–that would have helped boost my mood. Then, I ended the evening with way too much pizza and my stomach punished me for it at 1am this morning.
Today is a new day and I am trying to focus on the most important dad in my life–the father of my children. So it’s off to a car show as a family and try to take the kids’ bickering and complaining with a grain of salt.
As for my progress, I will take it one healthy choice at time and ten lbs at a time knowing that sometimes that will mean two weeks and other times (most) it will be more like 4-6 weeks. And that’s okay. It’s not a sprint. It’s a marathon.
August 19, 2011
Dear Me,
I hope you made the most of this summer challenge and the support from your Pink Teammates and the resources on Sparkpeople. I hope you committed to long lasting change and built a firm foundation for PERMANENT healthy habits.
Please look back at the progress (or lack of progress) you made in the past 10 weeks. Did you do everything you could to get further down the road to a healthier you this summer? If you’ve experienced success this summer (and dang it–you better have!) it’s because you put in the effort. You made more healthy choices than unhealthy choices. You found ways to compromise without giving into the all or nothing mentality. You were active this summer. Maybe you walked, maybe you swam, maybe you worked out indoors where it was cool–but one way or another you found ways to be active.
Now don’t go back to those old habits.
If you didn’t make progress, I guarantee it was because you allowed obsticles to derail you and turned to food instead of healthier ways of dealing with challenges or stress.
Your 10 week goal was to lose at least 30 lbs. You are capable of more, of course, but I’m trying to be reasonable here and avoid that “all or nothing mentality” I’ve harped on so much. If you lost 30 lbs then you should be feeling much more energized and experiencing less pain.
Do your feet still hurt? If they do, give it another 30 lbs and if they still do, it’s time to visit the doctor.
Thirty pounds gone will put you firmly under 300–hopefully into the 370s or lower if you did more. What’s your next goal? Stick with your team and work with Sparkpeople, you know it works! Don’t sabotage yourself by turning back to your old habits.
The kids begin school today, if you haven’t yet, sit down and examine your goals and make a plan to continue working towards them–not just your health goals, but also your academic goals. It’s past time to get that thesis finished!
Finish what you started. You deserve the success. And yes, the change that it will bring to your life can be intimidating and definitely firmly in the world of the unknown–but embrace your sense of adventure and don’t look back except to remember where you never want to return again.
Remember to “Never give up! Never surrender!”
Filed under: coping, Progress | Tags: coping skills, food addiction, yo-yo weightgain, yo-yo weightloss
It’s my biggest downfall. I have issues–perfection issues. If I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t do anything at all–and in fact I go to the opposite extreme. The all of nothing mentality kills me every time. If I could conquer it, and accept that every little change I make, every little effort I make–actually could make a difference over time–then maybe I’d be down 30-50 more lbs in the course of a year instead of back up the same 30-50 I lost while I was being “perfect” for 3 months.
The yoyo has gone up and down for too many years as I lose and gain back the same 30-50 lbs over and over again. I can lose 30-50 lbs in 3-4 months and turn around and gain it all back in 2! And I’m left feeling like my efforts to lose are wasted when I gain it all back.
I’m still working on it. I wish I could find a therapist to talk to about my food issues. Several years back I called around town asking if anyone dealt with eating disorders and food addictions and had no luck. So I keep muddling through trying to figure things out on my own. I’m self-aware enough to understand what I’m doing, my problem is I don’t know how to correct the problem. I need coping skills and behavior modification therapy.
I’m cutting back on my time at work. I’ve taken steps to make my work commitments less demanding so that I can focus on my family and myself and my home as well as helping my husband with his endeavors–and let’s not forget my thesis too. It’s still out there unfinished.
Honestly, that’s one of my biggest roadblocks–this struggle to finish what I start. I’m trying to set myself up in a position to succeed though. I’m still here (or back, rather!) and my motto remains: “Never give up! Never surrender!”
The husband and I had a difficult conversation last night. I think it was more difficult for him though. It wasnt anything I didn’t already know, but he needed to say it.
Basically, he’s afraid for my health and afraid he’s going to lose me. He’s afraid I am going to die too young, and leave him alone to father our children. We are a team, he’s afraid that without me, he will screw them up irreparably.
He tap danced around it–all but said it was my weight that is the issue here. He talked in terms of blood sugar and other symptoms. I know that it’s about how my weight affects my health and in some ways it was good for me to know that he knows it too. He can live in denial at times, but since losing his dad last March, death is something he can’t deny as easily as he used to. Many times in the past, my husband has been my enabler–I’ve even accused him of being my saboteur. Unknowingly, perhaps but none-the-less, he’s made it difficult over the years to stick to what I need to in order to lose this weight and keep it off. But ultimately, it came down to my choices and my own weakness in the face of adversity.
My choices don’t just affect me. I’m not that self-involved. I know that my choices affect my family. I have to keep that in the front of my mind. I have to keep last night’s conversation in front of me as a reminder of how much I have to lose. Not just MY life. But the lives of my husband and children.
Right now, as far as I can tell, it’s still a choice. I can still choose a healthier road and salvage a longer, happier life. But I have to choose to value myself and my family enough to do so. I have to make choices that will ensure a future for me and them together.
Filed under: Uncategorized
37 years old and still trying to get things right…. that’s my “bio” on Facebook. And its so the truth. Today, I turned 37 years old and while I have gained a great deal of wisdom in those 37 years, I’m also struggling with the same issues I always have. I made a big deal about how this day had to be special. It’s 10/10/10 and I turned 37 (born in 1973).
10 is supposed to be my lucky number. But its not about luck. It’s about me making things happen–every single day. No matter how hard it may be to make those choices, I have to do it–I haven’t got that much time left to make the changes I need to without doing irreparable harm to my body. I may have already crossed that threshold, I don’t know. I do know that my knees and ankles are hurting me more and more. The past week its been one long ache and pain that I’m pretty sure would disappear completely with the weight.
So year 38 begins now and it has a lot of potential to be great–but I’ve got to make it happen. And if I can finally make that happen that will be the real birthday present.
Up and at em. Lord help me. I’m so sore, my head aches.
I know that the soreness and headaches would go away if I lost the weight. I don’t need a sleep study to know I’m not getting enough oxygen during the night. I can’t sleep on my stomach or my back and I can only sleep on my side–and usually on my right.
My left side hurts too much after about 30 minutes of laying on it. I wrenched my shoulder this summer falling on a bridge in Colorado. And after having all this weight on one side most of the night, it hurts too.
There are so many times in the night when I wake up because I stopped breathing. That shit has got to stop.
Right now I wake up so sore that I can’t even begin to think about exercising first thing in the morning.
My tailbone hurts. Why the hell does my tailbone hurt?
Anyway, all that has little to do with the title of this post.
I’m up. I made the kids their lunches and in the process made mine too. I’ve got a nice spring mix/baby spinach salad with grape tomatoes and baby carrots topped with just 5 or 6 croutons and some watered down Fat Free Ranch Dressing. I’ve got a turkey sandwhich on 100% whole wheat with fat free miracle whip. I even packed snacks of a small granny smith apple and some light yoplait yogurt in case I get hungry in the morning or afternoon.
I ate my breakfakst–a banana and 1 cup of fiber one honey clusters cereal with a cup of skim milk. I’m nearly finished with my 1st 32 oz bottle of water of the day. I’m working on getting back to drinking at least 4 of those a day (if not more).
Yesterday, I had the same breakfast and only had time to snarf down the sandwhich for lunch. Came home starving and had way too large a helping of spaghetti and meat sauce and lord help me FOUR slices of garlic toast. I LOVE my husband’s garlic toast. It’s a definite weakness.
Then, later in the evening, I polished off the cookie dough ice cream. Another weakness. But i’ts out of the house now and I’m not bringing it back–not even for my birthday in 11 days.
I didn’t drink any diet coke yesterday–that was a masterful exhibition of will power. I WANTED that damn diet coke. I drove by Sonic twice during the day while running errands and I did not swing in for a Route 44 Diet Coke, telling myself each time over and over again “YOU DO NOT NEED THAT DIET COKE. You may WANT it. But you do not NEED it. My husband recently referred to our diet pop drinking as poison. He’s right. It’s so bad for us. And I’m trying to think of it that way whenever I think of it at all.
This morning I weighed in at 295.something. That’s down from the 298.8 I popped on Monday and 297.3 yesterday. It’s water weight beging shed as my body figures out I’m not going to deprive it of what it needs most–and I will take it as a good start. It means that just the small changes I’ve made in the last three days are making a difference.
I’m working myself back up to exercise. Right now I just don’t have the energy–but that should begin changing as I continue to give my body the healthy fuel it needs. Then I’ll start working that back into the routine. But for now, I’ll concentrate on making the changes to my diet stick and changing my thinking about the process. I’ve been doing this off and on for years–you’d think I’d have that part mastered too. But clearly all the times “off” indicate that I have far from mastered changing my thinking. I can change my eating, but if I don’t change my thinking about all of it and actively work on nurturing that attitude everyday, then it’s all lost the next time I hit a wall of stress. I’ll just go back to all my old bad habits, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I never want to see 295 again. I refuse to see 300 or higher again, and its time I refuse to see each number I hit on the way down to my healthy weight again too.
For the last five months I’ve barely had time to come up for air let alone take care of myself. I’ve continued to gain weight back. I’m at 298 again. UGH. This cycle has to stop. I’m putting the brakes on now.
I have to make time for myself. Time to eat right and exercise. Time to plan meals and spend time with my family. Time to reflect and journal my progress and challenges. . . . Time to finish my thesis.
I don’t get paid enough to allow my job to consume my life. I’m going to start enforcing that magic word, “no.” I started by dropping all of my children’s extra-curriculars except swimming–and I kept that for their health and mine. We need an activity that will bring regular exercise into our lives and swimming is one way to do it. They can take swim lessons (the oldest will be joining the swim team in November after this last round of swim lessons) and I can exercise in the cardio room or do some deep water aerobics.
I dropped Girl Scouts and my leadership position there. The thought of starting another year with that responsibility had me breaking out and on the verge of an anxiety attack.
Yes, the remainder of this year is still going to be pretty busy, but enough is enough. The next major event at work is three weeks away and I have a couple of quarterly reports, a final grant report, and a newsletter to produce. There are mutliple mini-events associated with the overall big event that have to be carried off, but there is no reason why I can’t make time for myself to plan my meals and exercise. And time to journal my ups and downs and hopefully some progress too. I’m supposed to be keeping this blog for myself and to help me reach my goals. I must start using it that way.
I refuse to take on anymore projects this year and I already have next year mapped out according to priorities as well. I am not superwoman. I cannot do it all. I can do my job and take care of myself–I’m not going to kill myself doing my job anymore–I want to keep loving it, and I’m afraid that love is in jeopardy if I don’t make some changes. And as I’ve said, I don’t get paid enough to do this job as it is–Love has to justify the pay I get, without that love, it’s seriously not worth it anymore. I could substitute in the local schools, have the same basic amount of pay, more freedom and a hell of lot less responsibiltiy.
I’m sick of falling off that damn wagon. I want to get back on and stay there for the remainder of my journey. I’ve got to quit making it so dang hard on myself.
I haven’t checked in on sparkpeople–or done much of anything else regarding my health–for almost two months now. It’s been a rough couple of months.
My father-in-law passed away suddenly. He had just turned 62 year old.
Six years ago, my husband and I passed through the hell of the worst week of my life when my dad died suddenly. Senselessly.
We went through it again with his dad’s death. The cause of death has finally come back–it was something that could have been taken care of if he had only seen a doctor. Something that could have been managed with medication. But my father-in-law was too afraid of going to the doctor, of being told he’d have to take pills, or have an operation. He was afraid of growing old. He was a very unhappy man.
It’s been rough on my husband and my in-laws.
In the course of this ordeal we found out that diabetes runs in my husband’s father’s family. I have suspected for about a year now that he was diabetic. Turns out he had even said he probably was, but refused to go to the doctor and get checked out. He refused to change his eating habits too. It’s why he was always so grouchy and didn’t feel good all the time. His blood sugar had to have been constantly spiking and dropping with the way he ate.
It’s stupid really. If he had just been willing to make some changes in his lifestyle–like my husband has–he would have felt better, and probably been a happier man. And his health would have improved as well. Maybe if he’d been willing to make those changes he would have also managed to take better care of his heart as well.
Ah, the “maybes” and “if onlys” get you every time. Just like when my dad died, we are going through them again–only with the hard earned lessons learned from my own father’s death. By the way, in case its not totally obvious, this has brought back to the surface many of the issues I faced with my dad’s passing six years ago. The grief isn’t as raw, but it’s there, and I’m hurting for my husband and his sisters (one of whom has been my best friend since 9th grade) and his mother.
As I’ve always done, I’ve gone off the rails with my eating. I haven’t been tracking my food. I haven’t been making an effort to eat homemade meals. I have been drinking diet coke to get me through the day. I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep–because my husband has been having difficulty sleeping–so I’m up late too. Then I am up to take the kids to school and get ready for work while he sleeps in.
That means no energy to exercise. No focus to eat right.
I’ve managed to stay in the 280s. So at least I haven’t gained all of the weight back that I’ve lost this year. But here I am again, looking for the bright side, saying “at least I didn’t” do whatever it is that I didn’t do THIS time. I need to stop doing it all. Period. I need to find a way to manage stress and emotions and lack of sleep without giving up on taking care of myself.
The other morning I had a fasting blood sugar of 127. That puts me firmly in the diabetic range. Forget pre-diabetes. I’m diabetic. No denying it anymore.
Damn it.
I know that lack of sleep and stress affect the insulin levels too, so maybe that’s part of the problem with where my blood sugar is–but I know it’s also the food choices. I’ve made a few too many trips to McDonalds for breakfast the past month and half. I’ve also gotten into the bad habit of picking up icecream or frozen custard in the middle of the afternoon whenever I’m out running errands. I’m self-medicating with food again. WHY DO I DO THAT? I know that I shouldn’t. I know that I’m doing it when I do it. I know that my triggers are stress and fatigue and diet coke.
Yet, here I am again. When do I conquer this? When do I reach the point where I have the will power, the strength, the determination, the resolve or whatever it is that it takes–that says, “No. I’m done. I won’t self-medicate anymore. I won’t abuse myself anymore. I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve good health and I’m going to make sure I get it–no matter what.” And then DO it?
When does that happen for me? What’s it going to take?
Filed under: Progress
This was a good week on the scale. It was hard in every other way, though. It was just a really difficult week to get through and I still feel like its not over as I have deadlines and projects that I have not been able to make yet, BUT, I did not seek out sweets and comfort foods in response and I only over ate twice–Once when we had pizza, and then last night when I made meatloaf.
But I lost 5.2 lbs this week taking me to a total of 19.4 pounds gone since Thanksgiving Sunday. And 12.2 lbs since the Sunday after New Year’s.
I’m only averaging 1.7 lbs a week at this point, but when I’m focused I know I can up that average to as much as 2.5 – 3 lbs. I had three weeks there when I didn’t lose anything, I gained then lost what I gained again. So that’s totally throwing my average off.
I have to make this short, I’ve got to take my daughter to sell girl scout cookies.
By the way, that’s another victory–I haven’t dipped into the girl scout cookies in three weeks–not since I had those three weeks of no loss, and a gain.
So this week I’m weighing in at 284.3. I’m always looking ahead, setting goals for later in the year and its time to write them down here and share them.
If I can maintain a steady loss of a minimum of an average of 2 lbs per week these are the milestones I plan to reach or surpass in the coming year:
March 25th is my daughter’s 7th birthday. Her birthday falls in the middle of week 17 of this journey and I hope to have lost 10 more pounds by then for a total loss of 24 lbs (or more!) This is five and half weeks away and totally doable by then.
Next milestone is May 22nd, my husband’s 34th birthday. This will be week 25 and my goal is to weigh no more than 256 on his birthday for a total loss of 42.5 lbs. This will also fall at the end of my children’s school year and just two weeks before our big summer fundraiser at work.
Next up is July 4th. Independence Day is a big deal at our house. We have family and friends over for a cookout and fireworks and make the day of it. This will be week 31 and my goal is to weigh in at no more than 244–possibly less for a total loss of 54.5 lbs (or more!).
August 15th my oldest son turns 9. This will be the week before the kids return to school as well. I hope to weigh no more than 232 lbs. In 2003, right before my dad died, I lost around 75 lbs and this weight will put me just under the smallest number I logged when I lost weight that time. At 232 (or less!) I will have lost 66.5 lbs (or more!)
October 10th, I turn 37 years old. But that’s not the next milestone I want to focus on. Instead I am looking ahead one week later to October 18th, when we plan to arrive at Disney World for our family’s vacation. The last time we went was in September of 2007 and I weighed in the 290s–probably closer to 300. By the time we step foot on DisneyWorld property again I hope to weigh 214 (or less!). This will put me very close to my weight when my husband and I married in January 2000. It will be less than I was weighed when I went for the first time in the Summer of 2000 with my husband and his family–I had already gained around 20-30 lbs since we had married six months before. When we go to DisneyWorld it will fall right between my birthday on October 10th and my youngest child’s sixth birthday on October 28th. We will have a lot to celebrate in October at DisneyWorld–in addition to our birthdays–as I will have lost over 84 lbs and will definitely enjoy our trip a lot more than either of my previous two trips when I tired out easier and didn’t fit comfortably in the seats of the rides. I especially look forward to taking lots of pictures with my family and actually being proud to display them, instead of hiding from the camera or deleting the photos that include me in them.
The final milestone for the year will be New Year’s Day which will mark my 57th week of working steadily towards my goals. At the beginning of the new year of 2011 I will weigh under 200 at 192 (or less!)–taking me to a total loss of 106 lbs (or more!) It will take me one pound smaller than my lowest weight when I lost using Nutrisystem in 1997–and it will take me to a weight that my husband has never seen me at.
I have a lot to look forward to this year and every reason to remain focused and on track to make 2010 the year I finally reach my goals instead of looking back with regret at what might have been.
