Vicious Cycle

I’ve been struggling.  A lot.  For the past month, I haven’t felt good physically or emtionally, I’ve been really down–and this heat makes me want to hibernate in my nice cool bedroom all damn day.  This week is supposed to be the worst yet with highs in the 110s all week.

I think I started spiralling while my husband was off on his exciting cross-country road rally trip for 11 days in the middle of July.  That really hit me hard.  I was originally going to be his partner on that trip–but once we realized what all was involved with the physical challenges, I backed out so our brotherinlaw could go with him instead.  I knew I would be a hindrance to his success during the competition, and I didn’t want to be the reason he failed.  I’m mad at myself for being in a position where that was necessary.  I missed a great opportunity for a once in a lifetime trip…because I’m fat.  I am so sick of my weight getting in the way of opportunity.

While he was gone, I was so frickin’ lonely–made me really face the fact that I don’t have any close friends anymore.  It’s difficult (always has been) for me to make close friends.  My husband says that I’m closed off and won’t let anyone close enough because I’m afraid of getting hurt….he knows me too well.

Then, in the past month, I’ve received two Direct Messages on Twitter from the Biggest Loser Casting team asking me to submit a video or come to a casting call.  While I’m sure that I’m far from the only person who received similar messages, I feel paralyzed.  My husband says I could go and he’d support me if I made it–and what an opportunity that would be!–but I’m afraid of being gone for so long  from my family (assuming I would even make it–I don’t want to put myself out there if I’m not willing to commit fully) AND then there’s my terror at the thought of being on national television baring my obesity for all to see in a sportsbra and bike shorts.   I won’t even change clothes in front of my husband.

I can’t do that.  So instead, I’ll continue my journey here at home, alone.

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