Heart to Heart

The husband and I had a difficult conversation last night.  I think it was more difficult for him though.  It wasnt anything I didn’t already know, but he needed to say it.

Basically, he’s afraid for my health and afraid he’s going to lose me. He’s afraid I am going to die too young, and leave him alone to father our children.  We are a team, he’s afraid that without me, he will screw them up irreparably.

He tap danced around it–all but said it was my weight that is the issue here.  He talked in terms of blood sugar and other symptoms. I know that it’s about how my weight affects my health and in some ways it was good for me to know that he knows it too.  He can live in denial at times, but since losing his dad last March, death is something he can’t deny as easily as he used to.  Many times in the past, my husband has been my enabler–I’ve even accused him of being my saboteur.  Unknowingly, perhaps but none-the-less, he’s made it difficult over the years to stick to what I need to in order to lose this weight and keep it off.  But ultimately, it came down to my choices and my own weakness in the face of adversity.

My choices don’t just affect me.  I’m not that self-involved. I know that my choices affect my family.  I have to keep that in the front of my mind.  I have to keep last night’s conversation in front of me as a reminder of how much I have to lose.  Not just MY life.  But the lives of my husband and children. 

Right now, as far as I can tell, it’s still a choice. I can still choose a healthier road and salvage a longer, happier life.  But I have to choose to value myself and my family enough to do so.  I have to make choices that will ensure a future for me and them together.


Self-diagnosed Pre-diabetic

I’ve made no progress, these past many months. Still sitting at 290ish. And now, I’m prediabetic.

How do I know?

Earlier this year, my husband was diagnosed with diabetes after he had started feeling sick nearly every day. His vision was blurring and in the evenings he was feeling woozy and sick to his stomach–as if he had motion sickness. His eye doctor spotted the signs first and advised a blood sugar test. At first he was in denial–we both were. But it kept happening, and finally he went into the doctor. Sure enough, his fasting sugar was high. Too high.

We have no medical insurance, so now he’s got a label and no insurance. Since the beginning of this year, and his diagnosis in February, he’s managed to get his eating under control, and has lost over 30 lbs. He’s brought his A1C blood test numbers out of the 8s and down to the low 6s, a range his doctor is very happy with. He’s done it without medication.

Meanwhile, I had lost 30 lbs at the beginning of the year and gained it back again. And now, I’m showing symptoms. We’ve used my husband’s testing kit to check my fasting blood sugar in the morning and its in the healthy range but in the evenings I’m not. I just had my husband check my sugar and it was sitting at 134. This weekend I spiked a 202. This isn’t good.

I have to get this under control, now before I’m full blown. How many chances is it going to take? How many warnings do I get before I don’t get anymore?

It has to stop now. I have to change my life.

Enter Diabetes

Not me. My husband. After weeks of feeling poorly, my husband went to the doctor.

He has diabetes.

This is the man who has always eaten whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. A breakfast for him might consist of a twinkie or a cupcake. He loves his food fried and salty.

It was quite a blow for him.

But, it’s not like he popped a 400 on his blood sugar. It was 192 fasting. We’ve caught it early. He’s only 32 and I firmly believe that he can manage this with diet and exercise.

He’s not happy about it, but he’s handling it pretty well–much better than I expected him to. I was afraid he might go into a bit of denial, but he hasn’t. He’s making some changes, and now the junk has to leave the house for good. This isn’t just about me losing weight anymore. Yes, my weight affects my health, but not in as imminent a way as diabetes affects his.

He told me yesterday that this confirms God’s sense of humor. He said, “Every day I pray for you to lose the weight and for God to help me to find a way to help you do it.”

Well. This will do it.

*cross posted at my sparkpeople blog*

What I’m Working For

I’m in the groove. Every day I work to get in at least 30 minutes of cardio. Often, I try for more. I’m attempting to keep up with the strength training workouts from the 7 day bootcamp series on Sparkpeople. I’m drinking my water and avoiding diet soda. I’m consistently eating healthier then I have in a very long time. And I’m making progress.

I’ve lost 10 pounds since January 1st.

It’s not easy. It’s never easy. It takes time, it takes focus, and it takes determination. But I’m doing well. I have to remind myself every day what it is I’m working towards.

I’m working towards feeling better about my body.

I’m working towards smaller clothing in cuter styles.

I’m working towards more flexibility and a stomach that doesn’t occupy my lap.

I’m working towards a ten year wedding anniversary spent in Las Vegas, renewing our vows for fun.

I’m working towards a 20 year high school reunion wearing a smaller size then when I graduated from High School in 1991.

I’m working towards taking my children to school without the fear that their classmates will tease them about their fat mom.

I’m working towards a little black dress and high heels.

I’m working towards family vacations where my legs and feet don’t hurt from all the walking.

I’m working towards family photos that I can be proud to hang on the wall.

I’m working towards a longer, healthier, happier, active life.


*cross posted on my sparkpeople blog

Goals for 2009

So, I posted about my progress and total weightloss in 2008.   But I haven’t posted my goals for 2009.  I don’t want to let any more time slip away without getting them written down–at least my health goals, anyway.  I have other goals besides these (why hello there, Masters Thesis).

So first I have to acknowledge where I started, so we will take my weighin from January 1, 2009.  It was 287.5.  In the eleven days since, I have lost 5.9 lbs.  I’ve kicked up my exercise a notch, I’m doing really well sticking to healthy choices and its paying off.  I hope to be out of the 280s by the end of this week.

So I guess that is my first goal…

1.  Be out of the 280s by the end of the week of January 11-17, 2009.  Totally do-able.  Somebody should give me a swift kick in the ass if I don’t–because it will have to be because I ate something I shouldn’t or didn’t get any exercise done.  Which leads to my next goal…

2.  No more cheating.  I’m only cheating myself of my goals.  I can have the occasional splurge or “cheat” but occasional MUST MEAN OCCASIONAL, not every other day or night.   I must limit it to once a month.  Period.  So, one cheat day per month.  PERIOD.

3.  45 minutes or more of formal cardio (ie. not cleaning, gardening, walking around a store, etc.) at least 5-6 days per week.  And on the 1 or 2 days per week that I am “resting” I must still find something active to do for an hour or more, such as cleaning, gardening, walking around a store.

4. 2-3 days per week of formal strength training exercises.  I’m really bad about getting strength training in.  I must do this more.

5. Taking my starting weight at the beginning of 2009, lose 10 percent of that number (28.7 pounds) by the end of February.  This will put me at 258.8–firmly out of the 260s.

6.  Lose the next 10 percent of my weight, 25.8 pounds, by the end of April.  This puts me at 233.

7.  Lose the next 10 percent of weight, 23 pounds, by mid-June.  This will place me around 210 (hopefully under!) when I go in to renew my driver’s licence at the end of the month.   This also puts me just under my pre-wedding weight.  After nine and half years of marriage.  Suh-weet!

8.  Lose the next 10 percent of my weight, 21 pounds, by the first of August.  I’ve never in my adult life weighed 189–this should place me comfortably in a size 12 considering I have been in a comfortable 14 in the 200 range. It also places me 2 pounds shy of 100 pounds lost for the year.

Once I get to this point, I know it will be so easy for me to decide to take a “breather” and rest for a while from the whole exhausting process of losing weight.  I admit there is a part of me that is a little afraid of going any further than this…what would it be like to be in a size 12?  Let alone a size 10?  It’s hard for me to look further than getting under 190 lbs.  Simply because I have never been there.

So that is the question, do I stop my goals here for the year?  Do I aim for under 190 and try my hand at maintaining for a while?  Let my body adjust to its new healthier weight, and let myself get comfortable in a new skin?  Speaking of skin, shouldn’t I let my skin bounce back from all that weightloss?

Do I dare look further than 189?  When every health chart tells me I should be looking to 148? 

……well maybe 187, just to take it to an even 100 pounds lost for the year.  That way when people say, “OH MY GOD HOW MUCH HAVE YOU LOST?” I can smile and say simply, “100”.

30 lbs lost overnight!

When I weighed in this morning, imagine my groggy surprise to find I had lost 30 lbs since yesterday!

I stepped off. Then I stepped back on.

Yup. 30 lbs overnight. It was like one of my old fantasies. A dream come true.

Or maybe, it’s just time to change the battery.

After changing the battery I stepped back on. I’m down a pound and half from yesterday. Not as exciting as a 30 lb loss, but one I’m happy to take anyway.

I’m making good progress. I’ve had a very good week despite several challenges.

Wednesday, my 7 year old son was pushed and fell on the playground hurting his neck. We spent three and half hours in the ER Wednesday evening (once we finally figured out that his neck was hurting due to a fall and not just because he turned it wrong and was feeling whiney) for Xrays followed by four more hours on Thursday for a CT scan to confirm he didn’t have a fractured neck vertebrae.

He has whiplash. He has to rest his neck, so that means no contact sports, P.E., or rough-housing until the 19th. He returns to his pediatrician for a check up next Thursday and more Xrays.

Oh and my younger two children, the nearly 6 year old and the 4 year old, have strep throat. I’m just praying I don’t get it.

Meanwhile I’m still getting my exercises in and I haven’t allowed any of this to derail my eating. I’m on track. I’m losing weight–even if its not 30 lbs overnight.

My Buddy

I’ve had a bad cold since the week before Thanksgiving.  If you are counting, that means that this last week was my fourth week straight with this cough.  I finally broke down and went to the Voodoo clinic (university clinic) on Friday–which was also the last day of the semester.

Diagnosis?  Bronchitis.

Doc sent me home with antibiotics and cough medicine as well as a “just-in-caser” for yeast infection.  Joy Joy Joy Joy…down in my heart.

Dude.  Can I catch a break?

Meanwhile, more and more responsibility is getting piled on at work as I take up the slack for a coworker who isn’t carrying her weight.  I don’t think she’s going to still be on staff at the end of January.  I hope not anyway, I’m tired of the money we are hemorrhaging in her direction while I clean up her messes.

We were both hired at the same time to work together to get the Museum on track towards growth and more public awareness.  We were hired for 20 hours a week for a six month probationary time period and the only thing she has produced are disasters and embarrassments.  On the other hand, I may be getting more hours and possibly a raise.  I’ve been told repeatedly that the Board is extremely happy with me and my work and that I’m on track for the directorship. 

There currently are not any full time employees let alone a director, but if the fundraising goes well over the next couple of weeks and the museum’s investment portfolio recovers and doesn’t take anymore of a dump than it already has in this market…well who knows.  I might be working 40 hours as the new Museum Director by the end of the year.  In the meantime, I’m just hoping to get 10 more hours than the 20 I’m working now. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me.  The exec committee meets  this coming Wednesday to make their decisions.

I am starting to feel better, we restocked on groceries last night and I’m beginning to feel well enough to get a bit of exercise in without going into a coughing fit. 

Then, yesterday afternoon, this guy wandered into our yard.

He’s an un-neutered, young male weimaraner.  I’m not sure if he’s even a year yet, definitely not 2 years though, he still acts like such a puppy.  He was starving.  He has no tags or anything else to identify him.

I don’t know if he got lost or was abandoned, but if he ran away from home it has to be due to abuse or neglect.  This breed is extremely loyal and requires a great deal of attention and exercise.  This is not the kind of dog you leave in the back yard for long periods of time.  I’ve posted “found” ads at Craigslist, Petfinder, and a few other sites.  I’ll put an ad in the paper on Monday and check with Animal Control before seeing if my vet will scan him for a microchip for free. 

There’s a big part of me hoping he can stay, he’s lifted my spirits like nothing else since Hank was killed by that car last Sunday.

He’s extremely high energy and from what I know and have read about the breed he requires a lot of exercise and is extremely attached to his family.  He seems to have adopted me.  He’s glued to my hip, and I can’t go anywhere without him right on my heals. 

Before we introduced him to our dogs last night, we had to go to the store, and for lack of anywhere else to confine him I put him in the bathroom.  He didn’t like that.  He clawed up the door frame and door.  Turned on the water in the bathroom sink–there are paw prints all over the bathroom mirror too– and chewed on a roll of toilet paper.  He’s got some serious separation anxiety issues.  Once we established that he and our other dogs could get along and introduced him to our big backyard, he did better without me in sight. 

He has a marking issue (he needs neutered bad!) so he spent the night outside, but he was waiting for me at the back door this morning.  He gave me the incentive this morning to get up and go for a walk and burn off some of that abundant energy of his.   I’ll probably take him for another walk later today.

Perhaps he’s just what I need to make me get moving each day.  We are calling him “Buddy” for lack of anything else to call him.  I’m not fond of it for a name but I’m also trying to keep form getting attached just in case he actually has a good owner looking for him.