The husband and I had a difficult conversation last night. I think it was more difficult for him though. It wasnt anything I didn’t already know, but he needed to say it.
Basically, he’s afraid for my health and afraid he’s going to lose me. He’s afraid I am going to die too young, and leave him alone to father our children. We are a team, he’s afraid that without me, he will screw them up irreparably.
He tap danced around it–all but said it was my weight that is the issue here. He talked in terms of blood sugar and other symptoms. I know that it’s about how my weight affects my health and in some ways it was good for me to know that he knows it too. He can live in denial at times, but since losing his dad last March, death is something he can’t deny as easily as he used to. Many times in the past, my husband has been my enabler–I’ve even accused him of being my saboteur. Unknowingly, perhaps but none-the-less, he’s made it difficult over the years to stick to what I need to in order to lose this weight and keep it off. But ultimately, it came down to my choices and my own weakness in the face of adversity.
My choices don’t just affect me. I’m not that self-involved. I know that my choices affect my family. I have to keep that in the front of my mind. I have to keep last night’s conversation in front of me as a reminder of how much I have to lose. Not just MY life. But the lives of my husband and children.
Right now, as far as I can tell, it’s still a choice. I can still choose a healthier road and salvage a longer, happier life. But I have to choose to value myself and my family enough to do so. I have to make choices that will ensure a future for me and them together.
I’ve made no progress, these past many months. Still sitting at 290ish. And now, I’m prediabetic.
How do I know?
Earlier this year, my husband was diagnosed with diabetes after he had started feeling sick nearly every day. His vision was blurring and in the evenings he was feeling woozy and sick to his stomach–as if he had motion sickness. His eye doctor spotted the signs first and advised a blood sugar test. At first he was in denial–we both were. But it kept happening, and finally he went into the doctor. Sure enough, his fasting sugar was high. Too high.
We have no medical insurance, so now he’s got a label and no insurance. Since the beginning of this year, and his diagnosis in February, he’s managed to get his eating under control, and has lost over 30 lbs. He’s brought his A1C blood test numbers out of the 8s and down to the low 6s, a range his doctor is very happy with. He’s done it without medication.
Meanwhile, I had lost 30 lbs at the beginning of the year and gained it back again. And now, I’m showing symptoms. We’ve used my husband’s testing kit to check my fasting blood sugar in the morning and its in the healthy range but in the evenings I’m not. I just had my husband check my sugar and it was sitting at 134. This weekend I spiked a 202. This isn’t good.
I have to get this under control, now before I’m full blown. How many chances is it going to take? How many warnings do I get before I don’t get anymore?
It has to stop now. I have to change my life.
I went off course for 2 months. A combination of factors figured in this detour. First, I weighed in at my local YMCA’s biggest loser challenge and just missed making my goal for the month. I let that get into my head and took a break that was originally only supposed to last a weekend….then a week…which led to a month…which led to nearly 2 whole months.
I gained about ten pounds back. So. Not. Cool.
I have to learn that while its okay to take a little bit of a break, I must get right back on track and I absolutely cannot allow myself to be sucked back into a cycle of drinking diet cokes at every opportunity. It leads to binge eating and uncontrollable cravings for sweets and refined carbs.
Today, I’m choosing to get back on track. No pop. A healthy breakfast and lots of water to start the day and after I take my son to preschool, I went to the YMCA this morning and worked out for an hour. It felt good to get back into exercising.
My husband seems to finally be adjusting some to the Diabetes. He’s not as resentful about it–or at least not as vocal about the resentment and I finally feel like I can get back to healthy choices without his griping about every one of them and how much they suck and how he wishes he could eat what he wants AND that I’m lucky because I can eat what I want–HA!–because I’m not a diabetic and he can never ever have anything he likes ever again.
But I can’t eat whatever I want, as I’ve pointed out to him over and over. Not if I want to be healthy. If I continue with bad habits and poor eating choices my obesity will kill me just as surely as his diabetes will kill him if he doesn’t make healthy choices.
Obesity is a disease too. I absolutely must start treating it as a disease every bit as serious as his diabetes–and so must he.