The husband and I had a difficult conversation last night. I think it was more difficult for him though. It wasnt anything I didn’t already know, but he needed to say it.
Basically, he’s afraid for my health and afraid he’s going to lose me. He’s afraid I am going to die too young, and leave him alone to father our children. We are a team, he’s afraid that without me, he will screw them up irreparably.
He tap danced around it–all but said it was my weight that is the issue here. He talked in terms of blood sugar and other symptoms. I know that it’s about how my weight affects my health and in some ways it was good for me to know that he knows it too. He can live in denial at times, but since losing his dad last March, death is something he can’t deny as easily as he used to. Many times in the past, my husband has been my enabler–I’ve even accused him of being my saboteur. Unknowingly, perhaps but none-the-less, he’s made it difficult over the years to stick to what I need to in order to lose this weight and keep it off. But ultimately, it came down to my choices and my own weakness in the face of adversity.
My choices don’t just affect me. I’m not that self-involved. I know that my choices affect my family. I have to keep that in the front of my mind. I have to keep last night’s conversation in front of me as a reminder of how much I have to lose. Not just MY life. But the lives of my husband and children.
Right now, as far as I can tell, it’s still a choice. I can still choose a healthier road and salvage a longer, happier life. But I have to choose to value myself and my family enough to do so. I have to make choices that will ensure a future for me and them together.