I don’t know why it’s so hard to start to get moving.  I always feel soo good when I actually do it.  It’s the motivation to start that is really lacking–especially in the morning when there is nothing I’d rather be doing than sleeping.

Today I was so tired, I came home after taking the kids to school and went back to bed for three hours!  So as of this post I still haven’t managed to work it into the schedule.  But I’m going to.  I have a limited window to go take a walk down our country road and back.  Down and back three times is right at 2 miles and right now its taking me about 25 minutes to walk it.  It’s a rather steep hill coming back up the road, so while its slower going than I’d like I know my heart rate is definitely up there and I’m burning huge numbers of calories.  As long as I can get started before 7:30pm, I can get it done before it gets too dark.  The other night I waited til 8pm and it was pitch dark on that last lap up the gravel road.

I’ve been using my MapMyWalk iphone app to log the workouts so that I know for sure the distance is accurate.  That’s motivating and helpful when I try new routes out. I’ve also got to work in some strength training today too.

Plus we are trying to get our yard cleaned up so we can mow.  Its already so tall and we are expecting more rain by the end of the week!  Better get moving!

UPDATE: Missed my window, so instead me and my younger two kids did 2 miles of a walk away the pounds dvd.  It worked up quite the sweat and I was so sore when I went to bed. I got it done though!

Re-wiring my brain

I’ve been back from Vegas for a week and a half.  I did pretty well making decent choices, although I did indulge in the buffets (tried to keep the portions small!) but I wasn’t eating as clean and healthy as I was here at home.  I certainly didn’t get the veggies/fruits in there that I have been getting here and I had way too many sweets. I walked a lot in Vegas too, and when I came home I hadn’t gained and had actually lost a bit from before I left on the trip at the beginning of the week.

But, I’ve been struggling for the past 10 days getting back into the healthy routine I was in before I left for Vegas.  Until today, I hadn’t had any formal exercise since we left and I’ve found myself succumbing to the temptation of cookies.  Almost every single day.  Not one cookie.  Not two.  More like a dozen.  That’s 1200 calories I didn’t need!

Anyway, I haven’t gained (by the grace of God) but I haven’t lost either and worse than that, I’ve been feeling really crummy.  Tired.  Lethargic.  BLAH.

Today, I made myself get back into my routine.  I ate clean. I got lots of fruits and veggies.  I didn’t eat processed foods.  No eating out either and I came in under my calories.  More important than all that, I worked out.  I did 2 miles of my new 5 mile walk away the pounds dvd.  Tomorrow I plan to do it again–maybe even more.   I’m going to rebuild my routine–I’m not waiting another day.  I got myself back on track TODAY.

I had a bit of an epiphany while watching last week’s episode of Biggest Loser on our DVR.  Dr. Rob Huizenga had brought another medical expert in to talk about the brain and how its “wired” in obese vs. healthy people.  They talked about how we are re-wiring our brains for weeks and months to eat healthy and exercise and all it takes is one week (or less!) of going back to the old unhealthy habits for the brains wiring to revert back to the way it was before–with how it responds to cravings and food, etc.

And I was reminded how many times I’ve gone on vacation for a week and said I’d allow myself to go “off” plan for that time and then I struggled and struggled and struggled some more–sometimes for months and even years to get back to that healthy place I was before I went on the vacation.

I can’t let that happen again.

So I’m making conscious food and exercise choices and I will not allow myself to backslide again.  Time to rebuild what I worked so hard for the previous two months, BEFORE I gain back the 20+ lbs I lost.

Never again…  I will not allow myself to go down that road again.  It’s about educating myself and implementing those lessons.  This was another lesson, and I’m taking it to heart.

25 lbs gone!

I’ve lost a little over 25 pounds in nearly 8 weeks!  I continue to feel like my attitude has taken a major turn for the better.  I do have the occasional down day, but I’m not letting stress rule my food choices.

I get tired from time to time, and sometimes that is simply because I forgot to take my multi-vitamin and my Super B complex supplement.  Other times I know it’s because I’ve been doing a lot–a lot of exercise, a lot of work, a lot of extra curricular activities with my kids and their school–and I’ve chosen to handle those days by taking the day off from exercise (if I didn’t already manage to get it in early in the day) and going to bed early.  It’s helping.

This Saturday will mark 8 weeks of no diet soda/soda of any kind.  I only drink water and the occasional fruit/veggie smoothie.  I have truly come to think of soda as poison.  And I want it out of my life and my family’s life for good.  I haven’t managed to erradicate it from my family’s life, but I have definitely managed to get them to cut back on how much they are drinking.  Cutting the diet soda isn’t the only change I’ve made of course, but it is one of the most important in helping me to stick to a healthy eating plan.  Diet soda tends to make me crave sweets and refined carbs and it does a number on my moods too.

I feel really good about my progress.  Twenty-five pounds gone is nearly 1/6 of the total weight I want to lose to reach my goal.  And I’m just 5 pounds shy of my first 10% weightloss goal.  If I work hard over the next 11 days, I think I might be able to make it to that 10% mark before my husband and I leave for Las Vegas!  I’ve decided that the trip to Vegas is my first 10% goal Reward.  So I really need to try to make it to that 10% officially before we leave!

Found my spark again

Or as I’ve called it in the past–that elusive switch finally got flipped.  And I’m going to work to keep it on and sparking bright!

Thanks to everyone at Sparkpeople for the support.   emoticonemoticon emoticon  Sparkpeople has always been such a wonderful source of support and resources.  I always come back again and again.  This time, I’m not going to leave.  No matter what. I’m sticking with what Spark has to offer.

I weighed in this morning and I’m positively thrilled with my progress.  Five weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and was moritified by what I saw.  Once again I had allowed myself to drift back to bad eating habits and gained everything back that I had lost at the beginning of the year.  I resolved to do whatever it took to be consistent and work on my attitude and everything else that goes on in my head to stick with a healthy lifestyle.

As of this morning, I’ve lost a little over 20 lbs in five weeks. I’m so happy and so motivated to continue this journey.   Thank you Sparkpeople!


Goals should be realistic–achievable.  If they aren’t, we get discouraged and give up.  I have a hard time keeping my goals realistic sometimes.

In the past, when I was younger, I had a lot of luck with weightloss as long as I did what I was supposed to do.  That was when I was in my 20s.  Losing 75 lbs in 4-5 months is huge.  It’s quite fast at roughly 3.5-4 lbs a week avg loss.  It’s also not realistic.  It’s not even advisable.  I wasn’t cutting too many calories either, my body just responded really well to good nutrition and activity.  I rarely experienced a week with less than a 2 lb loss.  Ever.  That kind of thing raises expectations.

Now, as I’ve gotten further along in my 30s, my body isn’t quite as cooperative as it once was.  It’s definitely more sensitive to sodium levels and hormonal changes.  Some weeks, I stall and don’t lose or if I do lose it might be 1/2 a pound.  That’s hard for someone with my impatient nature to accept, especially when I have so very much to lose.

I’ve tried to think of it in different ways–to put my goals in a more realistic perspective.  2 lbs a week–average loss over time–is still over 100 lbs in a year!  That’s more than acceptable. And it certainly puts me further along to my goal in a year than I would be if I gave up, right?

10 lbs a month.  That would be awesome.  It’s even doable.  And it’s 120 lbs gone in a year’s time.  120 lbs gone by the end of August 2012 would place me under 200 lbs.  Territory I haven’t been in since 1997.  I’m on track to meet that goal with 11.4 lbs gone so far in the month of September and we are just now passed the half-way mark.  I could make it over 15 in this first month alone–a nice jump start on a goal of 10 lbs (0r more) per month.

Honestly, my goals shouldn’t even be about the numbers.  The numbers tie me up in knots.  They get into my head and derail me.  It should be about lifestyle.  Lifestyle change goals are what will make it stick this time.  I have to make my goal to live a healthier lifestyle and in the end that is what will get me further along in my journey, instead of stalled at the side of the road.

Lifestyle goals:

No pop, no diet-soda. Period.  We are made up of water and we are meant to replenish that fluid with more water.  Not chemicals.

Changing how I think about food.  It’s fuel.  And I need to give my body the best sources of energy and vitamins that I can.  That means complex carbs, colorful fruits and veggies, lean proteins.  Less unhealthy fat, less sugar.

More activity.  Building muscle and balance.  Strong and confident.  I want to live an active lifestyle. I want to travel and I can’t do that like I want to if I’m sedentary and so big I can’t fit in an airplane seat or can’t keep up with my family on our adventures.  I’m over those vacations.  No more.  I want to be the one dragging THEM until THEY drop, not the other way around.

It’s not about the numbers.  It’s about the life I want for myself.  My goal is a healthy, active lifestyle.  I can’t get that with fast food, diet-soda, and sitting on the couch.


I’m working on it.  I’m working on ME.  Sparkpeople’s Coach Dean wrote a couple of articles about Motivation that I read this week and it was all about how motivation is something that we have to work on ourselves–it’s not something that happens TO us.  It’s our choices.  We fuel our own motivation.  Or something like that.  It was a 2 part article and the second one really hit home with me the most.

The article can be found here:      www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivat ion_articles.asp?id=634

And the part that really resonated most with me was this:
“…history is not destiny. From a psychological point of view, emotional “reality” is the product of whatever story you tell yourself about how things are and why you are the way you are. If you want (or need) to change your reality, then change the story you are telling yourself. This does not mean denying or ignoring your past or present circumstances, or inventing a nice fairy tale to take their places….Your new story can be about how your creativity, ingenuity, and perseverance enable you to find full or partial solutions to these challenges, and to do the best that you can with what you’ve got to work with.

The story you are telling yourself at any moment is the foundation of your motivation, or lack of it. Make sure you are telling yourself the story you need to hear. And the best way to really come to believe your story is to see it come true in the small, well-chosen steps you take every day.”

I printed that part on several pieces of cardstock to post around my house.    I need to remember (Because I’ve known it in the past, I’ve just struggled with some issues) that I am responsible for my choices AND my own motivation.  I’m not a victim.  I am strong.  I am determined.  I can do this.

Vicious Cycle

I’ve been struggling.  A lot.  For the past month, I haven’t felt good physically or emtionally, I’ve been really down–and this heat makes me want to hibernate in my nice cool bedroom all damn day.  This week is supposed to be the worst yet with highs in the 110s all week.

I think I started spiralling while my husband was off on his exciting cross-country road rally trip for 11 days in the middle of July.  That really hit me hard.  I was originally going to be his partner on that trip–but once we realized what all was involved with the physical challenges, I backed out so our brotherinlaw could go with him instead.  I knew I would be a hindrance to his success during the competition, and I didn’t want to be the reason he failed.  I’m mad at myself for being in a position where that was necessary.  I missed a great opportunity for a once in a lifetime trip…because I’m fat.  I am so sick of my weight getting in the way of opportunity.

While he was gone, I was so frickin’ lonely–made me really face the fact that I don’t have any close friends anymore.  It’s difficult (always has been) for me to make close friends.  My husband says that I’m closed off and won’t let anyone close enough because I’m afraid of getting hurt….he knows me too well.

Then, in the past month, I’ve received two Direct Messages on Twitter from the Biggest Loser Casting team asking me to submit a video or come to a casting call.  While I’m sure that I’m far from the only person who received similar messages, I feel paralyzed.  My husband says I could go and he’d support me if I made it–and what an opportunity that would be!–but I’m afraid of being gone for so long  from my family (assuming I would even make it–I don’t want to put myself out there if I’m not willing to commit fully) AND then there’s my terror at the thought of being on national television baring my obesity for all to see in a sportsbra and bike shorts.   I won’t even change clothes in front of my husband.

I can’t do that.  So instead, I’ll continue my journey here at home, alone.


So I’ve been doing really well with my exericse (and mostly good with my nutrition–when I go over it’s not by more than a couple hundred calories).  I’ve been doing SO good with my exercise, being consistent and getting in at least 30 minutes every day that today, when I did my customary 2 Mile WAP DVD I found that my heart rate was not going as high as it had all last week and weekend when I was doing it.  It fell so much that I burned over 100 fewer calories than I did this weekend when I did the DVD!

That’s good.  It means I’m gaining some conditioning.  Strengthening my heart–it doesn’t have to work as hard to keep me going.  BUT it also means that I have to work harder or longer to be able to burn more calories.  Hmmm…. I’ll keep doing it the way I have been for the rest of this week.  I am trying not to let my “all or nothing” mentality slip me into over doing it and burning out.  So, I’ll keep going with the 2 mile for the rest of this week–then possibly move to the 3 mile next week.

I’m making progress!

Happy Birthday to Me…

37 years old and still trying to get things right…. that’s my “bio” on Facebook. And its so the truth. Today, I turned 37 years old and while I have gained a great deal of wisdom in those 37 years, I’m also struggling with the same issues I always have. I made a big deal about how this day had to be special. It’s 10/10/10 and I turned 37 (born in 1973).

10 is supposed to be my lucky number. But its not about luck. It’s about me making things happen–every single day. No matter how hard it may be to make those choices, I have to do it–I haven’t got that much time left to make the changes I need to without doing irreparable harm to my body. I may have already crossed that threshold, I don’t know. I do know that my knees and ankles are hurting me more and more. The past week its been one long ache and pain that I’m pretty sure would disappear completely with the weight.

So year 38 begins now and it has a lot of potential to be great–but I’ve got to make it happen. And if I can finally make that happen that will be the real birthday present.